(Quiet) communication 101

Speaking
Written By Liam Sandford
standing quietly

Most people think communication is about what they want to say. They couldn’t be more wrong. Either they forgot the basics, or they were taught wrong in the first place. You see, the thing is most people make everything about them when they communicate. That leaves you trying to fit in with them, making it harder to understand, interpret, and take action on the information you receive. What if it was all about the listener?

Well, that’s exactly how it should be.

The most basic skill in communication is to make it about the other person. When you have something to say, you are trying to land a message. This is the case if its a conversation, writing, or a presentation. That doesn’t mean it is easy but it the principle that changes the game.

Next time you are communicating to land a message or ask for something, consider: how can you make it about the other person?

Actively Listen

Listening is an opportunity. It is also incredibly easy. Yet talking seems to be favored more than listening is. To listen is to be present. Understanding what someone is saying, digesting it, and then forming your response is active listening. Stop listening to respond. Listen to understand.

This is how you 10X your communication skills. When people talk they give you information. You get to know what is important to them and can shape your conversation or your presentation around something that you can connect on. This is how to network effectively, and it is how to deliver value to you customers in business.

When you listen you might feel like you are being quiet and not contributing much but that is not the case. If you actively listen and use that to ask good questions and dive deeper into things people care about, you come across well. The other person will feel like you are a great conversationalist. Quiet is not a bad thing, it is being thoughtful with both your listening and speaking.

Make it easy to reply

There is nothing worse than being in a conversation and it feels stilted, like there is nothing to say. The common problem here is the line of topics that are available to talk about. Keeping it as open as possible and sharing details is the way to dive deeper beneath the surface. For example, someone might complement an item of clothing you are wearing, and you may respond with ‘thanks, it was a bargain.’ With this response you are closing down the topic.

Instead, you could respond with, ‘I like this top too, I picked it up for my holiday to…’. This opens up another topic of conversation, and then you can also ask about their holidays. It sounds simple, and may be obvious, but intentionally offering up a topic is the way to remove that feeling of there being nothing to say. By doing this you unlock points of connection and conversation that you will both enjoy.

Just as you think about making everything about who you are speaking to, you want to make it as easy for them to reply as possible. By adding the extra detail you introduce the next topic as conversation bait.

Talking about you vs talking about the topic

You are uncomfortable talking about yourself because you don’t want to be front and center of attention. Something doesn’t feel right about it. But what if instead you were not talking about yourself but instead about the topic?

Reframing this in your mind makes you instantly more comfortable. You are not talking about your holiday or your work, you are talking about the place you went or what the company does. This is different, and separating yourself from it relieves some uncomfortability you might have.

Actionable takeaways

  • Make everything about the other person. It works for networking, presentations and social situations.

  • Focus on giving a topic as bait in everything you say. It helps to extend the conversation and removes the feeling of having nothing to say.

  • Separate you and the topic. You are always talking about the topic, not you. This removes any uncomfortability you have in talking about yourself.

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Liam Sandford
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